CASTEL GANDOLFO, ITALY – In an unusually angry and expletive-filled speech made on Monday, Pope Benedict XVI declared that he was “done fucking around” and would no longer “be taking shit from anyone.”
Speaking in the Vatican before diplomatic envoys from 40 countries, the Pope ranted about his hatred for all world religions, stating that the only way to end the current global conflict was to use robots to eliminate all “heretic” religions.
“Do you like our robot?” asked the Pope of the envoys. “I call it the “Papal-Nator.” It’s capable of killing up to 2,000 heretics a minute, be they Muslim, Jewish, Homosexual, Buddhist, or Wiccan. Past popes could only have dreamed of the kind of firepower we now have at our disposal. As you can see here, we have 20,000 of these ‘Papal-Nator’ robots raring to go for the long march towards Mecca, Jerusalem and Japan.”
The pontiff went on to officially announce the immediate mobilization of all 135 robotic divisions of the Holy Papal Army.
“I tried playing it nice, and what good did it do?” said the Pope in the statement. “Did the world forgive me? No. No matter how hard I tried, they just had to keep pushing me. They just couldn’t let it go. They just couldn’t let it slide. Well now it’s too late, cause I’m done fucking around, see? I’m fucking done.”
Several of the envoys who attended said they felt the Pope’s statements were reprehensible, and that they likely stemmed from his childhood past as a member of the Hitler Youth.
“We was talking at a university in his home country of Germany when he originally made those comments right?” said U.S. envoy Peter Simons. “He’s gone senile. He thinks he’s a boy in Nazi Germany again, and is therefore bent on world domination. But you don’t have to worry about him; the Pope is powerless.”
Indeed, there may be credence to the Pope-Insanity-Theory. There were no robots at the Pope’s speech, just one cheaply made plywood prop. However, an anonymous Vatican official today could not confirm or deny the existence of a vast robot Papal Army.
Reaction to Pope Benedict’s statements from Muslims, Jews, Homosexuals, Buddhists, Christians, and Wiccans have thus far been unanimously critical.
