Pope Done Fucking Around

CASTEL GANDOLFO, ITALY – In an unusually angry and expletive-filled speech made on Monday, Pope Benedict XVI declared that he was “done fucking around” and would no longer “be taking shit from anyone.”

Speaking in the Vatican before diplomatic envoys from 40 countries, the Pope ranted about his hatred for all world religions, stating that the only way to end the current global conflict was to use robots to eliminate all “heretic” religions.

“Do you like our robot?” asked the Pope of the envoys. “I call it the “Papal-Nator.” It’s capable of killing up to 2,000 heretics a minute, be they Muslim, Jewish, Homosexual, Buddhist, or Wiccan. Past popes could only have dreamed of the kind of firepower we now have at our disposal. As you can see here, we have 20,000 of these ‘Papal-Nator’ robots raring to go for the long march towards Mecca, Jerusalem and Japan.”

The pontiff went on to officially announce the immediate mobilization of all 135 robotic divisions of the Holy Papal Army.

“I tried playing it nice, and what good did it do?” said the Pope in the statement. “Did the world forgive me? No. No matter how hard I tried, they just had to keep pushing me. They just couldn’t let it go. They just couldn’t let it slide. Well now it’s too late, cause I’m done fucking around, see? I’m fucking done.”

Several of the envoys who attended said they felt the Pope’s statements were reprehensible, and that they likely stemmed from his childhood past as a member of the Hitler Youth.

“We was talking at a university in his home country of Germany when he originally made those comments right?” said U.S. envoy Peter Simons. “He’s gone senile. He thinks he’s a boy in Nazi Germany again, and is therefore bent on world domination. But you don’t have to worry about him; the Pope is powerless.”

Indeed, there may be credence to the Pope-Insanity-Theory. There were no robots at the Pope’s speech, just one cheaply made plywood prop. However, an anonymous Vatican official today could not confirm or deny the existence of a vast robot Papal Army.

Reaction to Pope Benedict’s statements from Muslims, Jews, Homosexuals, Buddhists, Christians, and Wiccans have thus far been unanimously critical.

Chamillionaire Caught Ridin’ Dirty

NEW YORK – Pulled over for speeding last night after leaving the MTV Video Music Awards the winner of “Best Rap Video,” famed rapper ‘Chamillionaire’ was caught ridin’ dirty, caught ridin’ dirty, caught ridin’ dirty, caught ridin’ dirty, NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly said Friday.

“Our officers were patrollin,’ and they clocked Mr. Chamillionaire rollin’ through downtown Manhattan at over 85 miles per hour,” said Commissioner Kelly. “We’ve been hopin’ to catch this character ridin’ dirty for a long time, and now we finally got him.”

The rapper’s arrest record reveals he was stopped at 2:36 a.m. and booked at 6:06 a.m. at the Spring St. Station. Officer Michael Santore said he was forced to arrest Chamillionaire soon after pulling him over.

“He was speedin’ and swangin’ from side to side, and his music was so loud, so incredibly loud, so I pulled him over,” said Officer Santore. “When he rolled down the window, I was hit in the face with a huge cloud of weed smoke, so I asked him to step out of the car and cuffed him immediately. That’s when I did it, I did it, I caught him, I caught him ridin’ dirty.”

After a routine search of the vehicle, NYPD officers found enough drank (a mixture of codeine and cough syrup) and dro’ (hydroponically grown marijuana) to put the rapper in prison for up to 10 years. But that wasn’t all.

“Under his seat was a loaded and unregistered pistol, armed with illegal cop-killer bullets,” said Officer Santore. “When he saw I’d found his weapon, Mr. Chamillionaire attempted to bribe me with $10,000 dollars out of his glove compartment. With the added gun violation and bribery charges, I’d say all told, he’s now looking at a solid 50-60 years in a maximum security prison.”

The rappers’ lawyer released a statement on the matter today, stating that all charges against Chamillionaire will be dropped as he “is an obvious victim of racial profilin’.”

However, despite these accusations, NYPD Commissioner Kelly adamantly defended his department’s actions.

“This guy raps about how much he hates the law, and how much he loves to drink, do drugs and drive, and then he has the nerve to accuse us of racial profiling?” said Kelly. “It’s a tad ridiculous, don’t you think?”

Rumsfeld Resigns, Replaced With Top-Ranked ‘Command And Conquer’ Gamer

WASHINGTON – Donald Rumsfeld resigned from his post Friday as Secretary of Defense amid accusations that he bungled the aftermath of the invasion of Iraq, leading to the creation of a fierce insurgency. The White House says he will be replaced by avid war games enthusiast Jeff Werner.

“On behalf of President Bush, we apologize for the horrible job Donald Rumsfeld has done managing the war in Iraq,” said White House press secretary Tony Snow in a press conference today. “Trust us, we feel as silly about it as you do. In an effort to make it up to the American people, the President is delighted to announce his choice of someone he feels will be more qualified: Jeff Werner of Columbus, Ohio, the finest Command and Conquer: Generals gamer in the entire country.”

Apparently, President Bush was playing his favorite computer game online while on vacation last weekend. He noticed a ranking system of the best Command And Conquer: Generals players in the top-right portion of the CNCWorld.com website. Concerned with the brewing civil war in Iraq and listening to a popular Sheryl Crow song on the radio, the president decided then and there to make a change, as it would do him good.

Bush made inquires into the top-ranked gamer, and was soon pointed towards Werner, a 19-year-old college student at the University of Ohio. A videogame veteran of every major war in the history of mankind, Werner claims to have a highly developed strategic mind.

“I’ve successfully fought to defeat the Nazis in World War II, the South in the Civil War, and the Empire in the Star Wars,” said Werner from his cramped dorm room today. “I’ve also strategically and methodically conquered the known world as Ghengis Khan, Julius Caesar, and as Osama bin Laden for that matter. And of course, I’m extremely adept at every iteration of Command And Conquer, and as we all know, commanding and conquering is what you need to be good at to be a good U.S. Secretary of Defense.”

A former congressman, Rumsfeld became the youngest person ever to become Secretary of Defense when he was tapped for the position by President Ford in 1975. He went on to break the record for oldest person to ever hold the office when he was again chosen for the position 25 years later, this time by President Bush. With today’s announcement, he also earns the dubious distinction of being the oldest S.O.D. ever forced to resign, as well as the only one to ever be replaced by a videogame geek.

“Am I surprised and shocked that I was forced to resign today? You bet,” said a stoic Rumsfeld in his farewell speech today. “Do I approve of my replacement? Hell no. Will I be bored to death in retirement? Of course. Am I going to cry myself to sleep tonight? Yes, yes I will…oh dear, my heart hurts.”

In his final act before the press, Rumsfeld stormed off the podium and vowed to attain the post of Secretary of Defense for another nation, preferably China.

CBS Announces Search For Laziest American

NEW YORK – Hold on to your couches America, CBS announced this week that starting this fall they will be launching their own national competition show to rival Fox’s “American Idol.” Hosted by standup comedian Jim Breuer, the new show will scour the country to find the laziest, most pathetic slacker in the entire country. CBS promises the winner of the show, titled “American Idle,” will be rewarded with a year’s supply of Domino’s Pizza, 10 cartons of Camel Light cigarettes, and a three month subscription to NetFlix.

“Coming this fall from the network that brought you “Survivor,” comes the next big thing,” says the promo currently in rotation on CBS. “American Idle! The search for the most talented dropout failure in the nation. If you’re lying in bed right now and you feel this might be you, please, just this once, get off your rump and go to CBS.com to apply.”

According to the website, interested participants can fill out the application online and mail the network a 5-minute video of themselves being lazy, but “only the truly worthless need apply.” The site states that CBS will also be holding open auditions at slacker-oriented locations all across the country in the next year. CBS spokesperson Pamela Forsythe elaborated further in a press conference today.

“We understand the need to make the search for America’s laziest human as easy as possible,” said Forsythe. “For this reason, we will be holding auditions outside favorite slacker haunts: all-you-can-eat buffets, movie rental stores, gas stations, places like that. We will also be accepting applications from friends and family members of slackers made on their behalf.” “American Idle” contestants will compete in a variety of areas such as sleeping, procrastination, and general malaise. Judges for the competition will include lifelong loaf Danny Kowalski, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, and internationally renowned heroin addict Rhonda Plumley.

“Leh…..fubarbera fix?” muttered the incoherent Plumley today at the press conference, frantically itching the inside of her elbows. “Shmi peeda fix. Fluh labela………goo stymy dee-dee dribbly.”

Kowalski, the creator of the show, says he thought of the idea when he was lying on the couch watching “American Idol” one day. Drunk and stoned and living in his brother’s basement, he placed a call to CBS networks and pitched the idea to a secretary. CBS signed Kowalski to produce 24 episodes of “American Idle” just two weeks later.

“Dude….seriously,” said Kowalski from his bed today. “I’m like….so stoked about the whole thing…….I hope we get good ratings and shit. But if not…you know…whatever.”

Public Toilet Tired Of Taking Everyone’s Shit All The Time

CHICAGO – One of the toilets in one of the men’s bathrooms in O’Hare International Airport officially went on strike today, citing exhaustion and bad working conditions.

Toilet E53 is one of only five full-time toilets responsible for servicing the feces evacuation needs of all the male passengers arriving and departing through gates E1 – E15 of Concourse E.

“Me so tired,” complained E53. “All time men sit on me. Always fart fart shit shit piss piss. Me no work no more till me treated right.”

E53 began it’s strike at or around 4:30AM on Monday night, after six different men expelled over 22 pounds of feces in his bowl within the span of an hour. E53 carefully described why it was on strike to members of the press, and laid out the conditions it would need met before returning to work.

“Look! Look! Me so dirty!” exclaimed E53. “Me bad need clean. Me too full. No clean, no fix, no me more work.”

Northwest passenger Bruce Hix was the first person to discover toilet E53’s newfound unwillingness to work.

“I was just waiting for my flight which had been delayed a couple of hours,” said Hix, “so I thought I’d kill some time on the throne. And what do I see in the first stall I look into? A disgusting backed-up toilet. Gross. Whatever fat bastard that did that should be ashamed of himself.”

Night-shift director of environmental services (janitor) Carl Atwater reports he was vacuuming the carpet down the hall when he first learned of the toilet’s stop-work situation.

“This fat guy tapped me on the shoulder, and tells me he backed up one of the toilets,” said Atwater, “and that I should probably do my job and go fix it. Then he cracks a joke about how he bets I wish I hadn’t taken so many drugs and screwed my life up so bad.”

In response, Atwater allegedly mumbled an expletive and walked away, vowing to let the next janitor take care of it, as shift-change was only two-and-a-half hours away.

“I’m tired of people always thinking they can shit on me just cause I’m a janitor,” said Atwater. “I don’t have to take that. And I’m not unplugging that toilet. The next guy can handle it.”

And so for the foreseeable future, toilet E53’s work-strike shall go on.

“Why no one me fix?” said E53. “Me want work! Love me work! Give shit! Me take!”

Man’s Ass Blows Up On Subway

NEW YORK – A local man was arrested for committing a terrorist act yesterday after he used his buttocks to detonate a powerful biological attack on a subway train.

It seems 35-year-old Hoboken resident Sean Proctor was on his way to the World Trade Center when his ass literally exploded, creating a toxic blast of noxious fumes strong enough to send four people into critical condition and one into a coma at New York’s Bellevue Hospital.

Queens native and American hero Veronica Vasquez was the only person to survive the attack unscathed.

“I was on my way to Church when this white guy sitting next to me’s ass just suddenly exploded with a loud bang,” said Vasquez, who had the quick presence of mind to call the police before she passed out. “It was terrible. The smell was awful and it was everywhere. People were throwing up and falling to the floor. But I think the worst part was this man just kept reading his book like he’d done nothing wrong, like nothing had happened.”

By committing such a vicious assault on the olfactory senses of a handful of New Yorkers, Proctor, an investment banker with no criminal history, became the first homegrown terrorist to ever carry out an attack on American soil.

Speaking from his hospital bed, fellow gassing victim Tony Stupolla cried out for vengeance on the terrorist son of a bitch.

“That bastard deserves to die,” said Stupolla, pausing to breathe from an Oxygen tank. “And I hope he burns in hell, or someplace like that. Please, get us some payback. Don’t forget the victims of 9/20 – the day America lost by a nose.”

Arrested by Homeland Security agents immediately following the incident, Proctor was likely whisked away to a secret CIA prison somewhere in Jihadistan, where the temperature is always over 110 degrees.

Miracle of Life Just Won’t Shutup

RAMSEY, NJ — In the fall of 2004, New Jersey married couple Rob Blunt and his wife Carol thought they would be able to handle the stress of being parents. They dreamed of having a child of their own. They timed their coital encounters carefully to ensure conception and worked vigorously in the bedroom to achieve that dream. But 13 months and 4 noise disturbances later, Rob and Carol have seen their dream become one ongoing nightmare.

“I used to think that owning my own baby would be so awesome,” Carol said on Tuesday. “A beautiful gift from God. This miracle of life. And it was supposed to really impress my friends. But you know what? In reality it sucks. Post-partum depression isn’t just a chemical reaction. It’s buyer’s remorse.”

Carol said she saw the first signs of her impending doom as soon as she gave birth to her daughter Jennifer.

“I was so disappointed,” Carol said. “The first thing she did when she was born was start crying. And she hasn’t stopped since!”

Since baby Jennifer’s birth, Rob, a computer programmer, and Carol, who is an assistant manager at Applebee’s, have spent roughly 97% of their free time trying to get their baby to be quiet.

“I stuff her mouth full of socks,” Rob said. “That seems to be the only thing that prevents her from filling every last moment of my life with her constant screams. Although it makes her more upset, it effectively muffles the noise while we watch ‘The Apprentice’.”

Rob hopes his daughter will one day shut the #$@! up.

“I work very hard all day, and I don’t deserve to come home to a crying baby, yeah, that’s right I’m talking to you baby whatever-your-name is!” Rob said to his bawling urchin. “Seriously, it’s all I can do sometimes to keep from throwing it across the room.”

Carol has a slightly different strategy for keeping baby Jennifer quiet.

“I like to use milk. Not my breast milk of course.” Carol said. “That little monster isn’t coming within 2 feet of my exquisite breasts. She gets the powder mix.”

The Blunts have also struggled with sleep deprivation for the last 4 months. “I haven’t slept for more than 5 minutes at a time,” Carol said. “Technically, I should have died 2 months ago.” Meanwhile, Rob has been late for work several times, has been caught sleeping at his desk, and is in danger of being fired. “I don’t know when this kid sleeps!” Rob said. “I still hear her piercing wails whenever I do manage to nod off for a couple seconds.”

With their own health and welfare at stake, the couple has been forced to consider drastic measures. “We’ve talked seriously about adoption,” Carol said. “In fact, we had a meeting with an agent last week, but he demanded to see the baby, and after fifteen minutes of bloodcurdling baby screams…well, that was the end of that.”
“No one wants a crybaby,” Rob concurred.

Baby Jennifer has been tested for both Colic and Rabies. Surprisingly, she didn’t have either.

“I was upset when I found out she didn’t have Colic,” Carol said. “I was really hoping maybe that was why our little ‘miracle of life’ just doesn’t shutup.”

Rob sounded pessimistic about the chances of his daughter ever relaxing and being content. “If she could ever just stop bawling, I’d say then she’s got some potential. But I don’t think she will. I just think this is her bitchy personality. She must get it from her mother.”