Popeye Eats Tainted Spinach, Dies

NEW YORK – Popeye “The Sailor Man”, the beloved icon who enthralled generations of Americans with his adventures, died Tuesday morning after he suffered kidney failure linked to eating several E.coli infected cans of spinach.

Perhaps the most celebrated cartoon star of the last century, Popeye was first taken to Beth Israel Medical Center in Manhattan two months ago after having been mugged and savagely beaten by his lifelong nemesis Brutus.

Local resident Francis Barton, who witnessed the attack, described what happened.

“Popeye was just walking down the street with his girl, when this hairy douche shows up and grabs his girl,” said Barton. “He just threw her over his shoulder like she was his. It was mad disrespectful.”

As he had done countless times throughout his life, Popeye then took four large cans of spinach out of his napsack and quickly ate them. But this time instead of gaining super-strength, Popeye became seriously ill and began to vomit as Brutus unleashed a cascade of fierce blows on his hated foe.

“You could just see Brutus was working out a lifetime’s worth of anger against Popeye,” said Sarah Ferguson, another eyewitness. “He was punching im, kicking him, biting him, cutting him, and breaking his bones for a solid 25 minutes before he took Olive Oyl and bolted.”

Oyl was kidnapped and brutally raped by Brutus numerous times before being found naked in a park in Hoboken, New Jersey three days later.

The spinach that led to Popeye’s brutal beating and death possessed the same strain of E. coli bacteria that sickened at least 7,453 people and killed 44 others in a nationwide tainted spinach outbreak linked to California, health officials said Thursday.

Popeye served his country honorably in World War II, personally beating up over 40,000 Nazis and singlehandedly liberating North Africa. His body will lay in state in the U.S. Capitol Building for five days before he is given a U.S Navy burial at sea.