HOLLYWOOD, CA – Feeling were hurt and blood was spilt today as lead actors from both ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’ and ‘The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe’ clashed in an impromptu, no-holds –barred brawl.
The brawl, which took place in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart Superstore, started shortly after ‘Potter’ star Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) purposefully bumped into ‘Narnia’ lead William Moseley (Peter Pevensie).
“Oh, it was just dreadful,” said 10-year-old ‘Narnia’ star Georgie Henley (Lucy Pevensie). “That Potter bloke threw his shoulder into dear William, just to pick a fight with us.”
According to eyewitnesses, Radcliffe then began taunting the group, while his cohorts Emma Watson (Hermione Granger) and Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) watched.
“That repulsive Radcliffe was going on and on about how we’re a bunch of nobodies, and that their movie was going to thrash ours at the box-office,” said ‘Narnia’ star Anna Popplewell (Susan Pevensie). “I interrupted to say that puberty was not being very kind because he was looking bloody fugly these days.”
This apparently enraged Radcliffe, who pulled out his magic wand and began threatening to use the dreaded Furnunculus Curse (which causes ugly boils to break out all over the victim) on the panic-stricken Popplewell.
“You think you amateurs can just come into our town, steal our money, and then shop at our Wal-Mart to boot?!” shouted Radcliffe. “Never! Furnunculus! Furnunculus I say!”
Although the curse failed to work, Moseley responded to this provocation by pulling out the sword given to him by Lord Aslan.
“On guard villain!” said the trembling Moseley, pointing his sword at Radcliffe.
“You shall not harm Anna! Or Georgie! Now, obviously you don’t like us, and we don’t like you either. How about you put down your wand, I put down my sword, and we all fight with fists and feet?”
Moseley’s proposal was approved, and within moments the six child stars were engaged in a knockdown, snot-pissing, all-out-brawl. Punches were thrown to temples, kicks sailed betwixt crotches, and jugulars were gone for.
“It was sick,” said police chief David Payne, who arrived on the scene 15 minutes later. “For all their cute British accents, those kids must’ve become animals within seconds. By the time I got there, five of the six had been beaten unconscious. The only one left was the littlest one (Henley). And I found her gnawing on Harry Potter’s face-flesh.”
In an effort to diminish the backlash against their respective films, the police said that both sides had agreed to drop all charges. “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” opens this weekend; “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” opens Dec. 9.
