NEW YORK, NY – Fox News Corporation announced today that from now on every headline they run will end with an excitement-packed exclamation point. Roger Ailes, President of Fox News, defended the move by phone today.
“Blargera! Fox News knows what Fox News is doing!” loudly intoned Ailes. “Viewers demand excitement in their news! News is boring sometimes and it needs jazzing up! Exclamation points add verve to otherwise mundane stories!”
Ailes promised that the decision to use exclamations points for emphasis will not be limited to only headlines.
“People in America have short attention spans!” shouted Ailes. “If you don’t do something to grab them, they quickly drift into something else! That is why from now on everything we do will be exclaimed! What do you think of that America!”
The move came after recent statistics from the Fox News website showed that ‘exclaimed headlines’ received twice as many clicks as ‘non-exclaimed headlines’ over a 12 month period.
However, while ratings have already surged by 16% today, not all Fox News viewers have been happy with the change.
“My Henry saw a story titled ‘Exercise may help elders avoid Alzheimer’s!” said 74-year-old Nebraska woman Marla Cooper. “Now normally he wouldn’t have thought anything of it. But because it had an exclamation point, he took it very seriously. He immediately went out jogging, even though he weighs 270 pounds and he hasn’t exercised in 40 years. And he had a heart attack by the time he had jogged to our driveway! Thanks a lot Fox News!”
Not wanting to be left behind in the ratings war, CNN has vowed to move quickly to close the ‘grammar ratings gap’ in the coming days by putting question marks at the end of all their headlines.
