Once Cute Duckling Grows Up To Be Fat, Ugly

VAN SUAN PARK, NJ – Duck pond resident and lifelong bachelor Felton Archdale III suffered a nervous breakdown Sunday after being hit by the sudden realization that he has grown up to become fat and ugly.

“I don’t fricking believe it!” groused Felton, looking at his reflection in the water for the first time in many moons. “Look at me. I look awful! I’ve got rolls and rolls of greasy fat around my midsection, and my face is all weird-looking. Gosh! How the heck did it ever get this bad?”

Indeed, once upon a time Felton was considered the cutest duckling in his family, if not the entire pond. His mother, Faustina, confirmed this today after being given several crumbs of bread.

“Oh, Felton used to be such a cute duckling,” lamented Faustina, treading too and fro in the water. “I was so very, very proud of him – he was the finest of my flock. I don’t know what happened, but somewhere along the line he mutated into the hideous creature he is now. My, my, my, such a pity!”

In the midst of recounting her son’s fall from beauty, several other ducks swam up, partly to concur with her, but mostly to get at the bread being tossed into the water. One of these was Felton’s best friend, Ellsworth Hibbits.

“Yeah, Felton was the new hotness on the pond back in the day,” said Ellsworth. “The females were all about him. And now he’s mad busted. What can I say? We all went into puberty, Felton got really bad acne, and started putting on weight. He’s like one of those cute child actors who grew up to be freakishly unattractive. You know, like Macaulay Culkin.”

Yet the downfall of Culkin pales in comparison to that of the duck Felton Archdale III. Sporting a crooked beak, a splotchy, pockmarked face, and a whopping 27% body fat percentage, Felton will surely die a penniless virgin. Pressed for comment, his brother Filiberto agreed with this assertion.

“Personally, I think Felton earned his fate as a duckling,” said Filiberto. “It’s perfect justice, really. There was this one brother of ours he was always picking on cause he was kind of ugly looking. He did it so much, in fact, the poor duckling ran away. Anyway, last I heard, that guy grew up and became a swan. I even heard he got a part in that movie ‘Babe.’ And Felton’s probably gonna end up drowning himself or something. Just goes to show ya, karma and stuff.”

For his part, however, Felton remains optimistic about the future. “I’m thinking about getting a whole bunch of plastic surgery and liposuction done, and then moving to a new pond. Female ducks will be sure to want me then. And hey, if that doesn’t work, I can always join the army and kill people for a living. They take ducks, right?”

Revenge-Seeker Enraged To Find Tires Already Slashed By Someone Else

LANSING, MI – Jealous stalker Kevin Engler was stunned and saddened on Friday night upon finding all four tires of his hated foe’s car already slashed by someone else.

“I couldn’t believe it!” exclaimed the furious Engler. “Not one fricking tire left for me to slash. If I ever find out who did this, I’ll kill’em! Or slash his tires.”

At no small personal expense, Engler, a 16-year-old sophomore at Lansing High School, had planned for weeks on personally slashing the tires of 18-year-old Sean McFarland the night before graduation.

“I’d put so much time into plotting my vengeance,” said Engler. “I’d bought a super-sharp knife, some all black ninja clothes, and these sweet night-vision goggles off Ebay – all for like 600 bucks. I’d figured out exactly when and where Sean parks his car at night. And then I get there and I find some other dipshit-asshole has already beaten me to the punch.”

Apparently McFarland, the captain of the baseball team and a popular student at L.S.H., unwittingly incurred the wrath of Engler (and others) when he started dating gorgeous 17-year-old junior Cindy Kimbrough, shortly after taking her to the prom in April.

“I’ve worshipped Cindy from afar for years! Ungoi!” whined the dorky Engler, pushing his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose. “She’s been my fantasy sweetheart since the 6th grade. And then that dirty bastard Sean just swoops in and starts going out with her. And then some other douche swoops in and takes away my chance at revenge! It’s not fair!”

According to Engler, upon his arrival, not only did he find all four tires of McFarland’s 2005 Ford Cliff Rover already slashed, but the vehicle had also been heavily keyed as well.

“And I’m like, what the hell is there left for me to do?” said Engler. “I mean, I tried keying the car some more, but it was really unfulfilling. I thought about pissing in the gas-tank, but when I opened it, it was obvious that someone had already done that too. So all I got out of my quest for vengeance was some random jerk’s piss all over my hand.”

According to the Lansing Police Department, Sean McFarland learned of and reported the incident today.

“The victim had just spent the night at his girlfriend’s house,” reported police commander Steven Forster. “We believe the act was probably carried out by a jealous nerd of some sort. These things happen every year, usually around graduation time.”

Reached for comment, McFarland was understandably confused and angry about the attack.

“I have no idea who could of done this,” said McFarlane. “It doesn’t make any sense, I’ve always tried to be nice to people. No good deed goes unpunished. All I can say is, if I ever find out who did this, I’ll kill’em! Or slash his tires.”

McFarlane had his vehicle towed away. New tires will cost him $600.

Captain Planet Resurfaces As Leader Of Clandestine Eco-Terrorist Group

SEATTLE, WA – Captain Planet warned in an videotape aired Monday that his eco-terrorist fighters are preparing new eco-attacks but offered the American people a truce on the condition that they begin “respecting the environment.”

“Americans must change their polluting ways or suffer the consequences,” said Planet. “We’re planning more attacks, but will cancel these if Americans all promise to start respecting the environment. The power is yours!”

The cartoon videotape, portions of which were aired on CNN, was the first from Captain Planet in 10 years, since his show “Captain Planet and the Planeteers” was cancelled in May of 1996. It came only days after an eco-terrorist attack on a car dealership in Seattle that destroyed 15 Ford Excursion SUV’s.

“Either America stops driving sports utility vehicles peacefully,” threatened Planet, “or it will be engulfed in flames. Which will it be America? The power is yours!”

According to CNN, Captain Planet became leader of the Earth Liberation Front (E.L.F.) eco-terrorist group shortly after losing his cartoon show in 1996. Since that time, he has boldly spear-headed several eco-attacks against America, including a spate of natural disasters which ravaged the United States in 2005. Editors at CNN said they could not comment on how they knew all these things.

Captain Planet said he decided to make a statement to the American people because he said President Bush “wasn’t doing enough to save the Earth from pollution.”
“I offer the American people a truce,” said Planet. “Stop polluting, stop littering, and start cleaning up pollution, and we’ll stop burning your SUV’s.”

The White House rejected the truce.

The United States will continue to use as drive gas-guzzling SUV’s, despite Captain Planet’s threats, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said. “We do not negotiate with terrorists, eco or otherwise,” McClellan said. “We kill them, plain and simple.”

The CIA has authenticated the voice on the tape as that of Captain Planet, an agency official said. CIA Director Porter Goss vowed to capture and detain the eco-terrorist leader.

“Captain Planet will eventually be brought to justice,” said Goss. “However, it will not be easy, as he can retreat into the Earth’s core at a moment’s notice.”

U.S. counter-terror officials said Tuesday they have seen no specific or credible intelligence to indicate another impending E.L.F. attack on the United States.
“The Homeland Security Department has no plans to raise the national terror alert,” spokesman Russ Knocke said. “What are you kidding me? Captain Planet doesn’t scare us. He’s the gayest cartoon character of all time.”

The E.L.F. leader is currently believed to be hiding on Hope Island, an uncharted, unpolluted tropical isle far from civilization.

Fox News Now Putting Exclamation Points After Every Headline!

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News Corporation announced today that from now on every headline they run will end with an excitement-packed exclamation point. Roger Ailes, President of Fox News, defended the move by phone today.

“Blargera! Fox News knows what Fox News is doing!” loudly intoned Ailes. “Viewers demand excitement in their news! News is boring sometimes and it needs jazzing up! Exclamation points add verve to otherwise mundane stories!”

Ailes promised that the decision to use exclamations points for emphasis will not be limited to only headlines.

“People in America have short attention spans!” shouted Ailes. “If you don’t do something to grab them, they quickly drift into something else! That is why from now on everything we do will be exclaimed! What do you think of that America!”

The move came after recent statistics from the Fox News website showed that ‘exclaimed headlines’ received twice as many clicks as ‘non-exclaimed headlines’ over a 12 month period.

However, while ratings have already surged by 16% today, not all Fox News viewers have been happy with the change.

“My Henry saw a story titled ‘Exercise may help elders avoid Alzheimer’s!” said 74-year-old Nebraska woman Marla Cooper. “Now normally he wouldn’t have thought anything of it. But because it had an exclamation point, he took it very seriously. He immediately went out jogging, even though he weighs 270 pounds and he hasn’t exercised in 40 years. And he had a heart attack by the time he had jogged to our driveway! Thanks a lot Fox News!”

Not wanting to be left behind in the ratings war, CNN has vowed to move quickly to close the ‘grammar ratings gap’ in the coming days by putting question marks at the end of all their headlines.

Narnia/Harry Potter Actors Brawl In Wal-Mart Parking Lot

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Feeling were hurt and blood was spilt today as lead actors from both ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’ and ‘The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe’ clashed in an impromptu, no-holds –barred brawl.

The brawl, which took place in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart Superstore, started shortly after ‘Potter’ star Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) purposefully bumped into ‘Narnia’ lead William Moseley (Peter Pevensie).

“Oh, it was just dreadful,” said 10-year-old ‘Narnia’ star Georgie Henley (Lucy Pevensie). “That Potter bloke threw his shoulder into dear William, just to pick a fight with us.”

According to eyewitnesses, Radcliffe then began taunting the group, while his cohorts Emma Watson (Hermione Granger) and Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) watched.

“That repulsive Radcliffe was going on and on about how we’re a bunch of nobodies, and that their movie was going to thrash ours at the box-office,” said ‘Narnia’ star Anna Popplewell (Susan Pevensie). “I interrupted to say that puberty was not being very kind because he was looking bloody fugly these days.”

This apparently enraged Radcliffe, who pulled out his magic wand and began threatening to use the dreaded Furnunculus Curse (which causes ugly boils to break out all over the victim) on the panic-stricken Popplewell.

“You think you amateurs can just come into our town, steal our money, and then shop at our Wal-Mart to boot?!” shouted Radcliffe. “Never! Furnunculus! Furnunculus I say!”

Although the curse failed to work, Moseley responded to this provocation by pulling out the sword given to him by Lord Aslan.

“On guard villain!” said the trembling Moseley, pointing his sword at Radcliffe.

“You shall not harm Anna! Or Georgie! Now, obviously you don’t like us, and we don’t like you either. How about you put down your wand, I put down my sword, and we all fight with fists and feet?”

Moseley’s proposal was approved, and within moments the six child stars were engaged in a knockdown, snot-pissing, all-out-brawl. Punches were thrown to temples, kicks sailed betwixt crotches, and jugulars were gone for.

“It was sick,” said police chief David Payne, who arrived on the scene 15 minutes later. “For all their cute British accents, those kids must’ve become animals within seconds. By the time I got there, five of the six had been beaten unconscious. The only one left was the littlest one (Henley). And I found her gnawing on Harry Potter’s face-flesh.”

In an effort to diminish the backlash against their respective films, the police said that both sides had agreed to drop all charges. “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” opens this weekend; “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” opens Dec. 9.

Stray Cat Not Cute Enough To Keep

TACOMA, WA – A stray cat who followed 12-year-old Megan Safford home was deemed “not cute enough to keep” by her parents today, despite many objections from Megan to the contrary.

“Mommy and Daddy just can’t justify paying for the upkeep on a cat unless it’s really cute, ok honey?” Megan’s father Jared told her while she cried him a river of naive tears. “Trust me Megan-sweety, there will be another cat someday who will follow you home and it will be plenty cute. Cats as fugly as this one are pretty rare.”

Megan’s mother Karen strongly agreed with her husband’s sentiments.

“Perhaps this can be a good learning experience for you Megan,” said Karen, wiping away her daughter’s tears while her husband hurriedly carried the cat outside by the nape of its neck. “You need to learn to always hold out for something better. After all, there’s a lot of homeless, unloved cats in the world. You just can’t let yourself fall in love with the first cat who comes along, especially when it’s not very handsome and seems destined for middle-management.”

The unpleasant-looking cat, which was likely born recently, apparently pleaded earnestly with Megan for a lifetime’s worth of care while following her home from school on Friday.

“Kitty followed me all the way home and she mewed the whole time,” said Megan, petting the wretched creature for the last time in her backyard. “Kitty loves me. She was meant to be my kitty. I know cause she followed me all the way home.”

The unnamed, severely disfigured cat will be taken to the pound by Megan’s father Jared this afternoon, where it will stay for three months, as family after family decides not to give it a loving home, before it is finally put to sleep.

Popeye Eats Tainted Spinach, Dies

NEW YORK – Popeye “The Sailor Man”, the beloved icon who enthralled generations of Americans with his adventures, died Tuesday morning after he suffered kidney failure linked to eating several E.coli infected cans of spinach.

Perhaps the most celebrated cartoon star of the last century, Popeye was first taken to Beth Israel Medical Center in Manhattan two months ago after having been mugged and savagely beaten by his lifelong nemesis Brutus.

Local resident Francis Barton, who witnessed the attack, described what happened.

“Popeye was just walking down the street with his girl, when this hairy douche shows up and grabs his girl,” said Barton. “He just threw her over his shoulder like she was his. It was mad disrespectful.”

As he had done countless times throughout his life, Popeye then took four large cans of spinach out of his napsack and quickly ate them. But this time instead of gaining super-strength, Popeye became seriously ill and began to vomit as Brutus unleashed a cascade of fierce blows on his hated foe.

“You could just see Brutus was working out a lifetime’s worth of anger against Popeye,” said Sarah Ferguson, another eyewitness. “He was punching im, kicking him, biting him, cutting him, and breaking his bones for a solid 25 minutes before he took Olive Oyl and bolted.”

Oyl was kidnapped and brutally raped by Brutus numerous times before being found naked in a park in Hoboken, New Jersey three days later.

The spinach that led to Popeye’s brutal beating and death possessed the same strain of E. coli bacteria that sickened at least 7,453 people and killed 44 others in a nationwide tainted spinach outbreak linked to California, health officials said Thursday.

Popeye served his country honorably in World War II, personally beating up over 40,000 Nazis and singlehandedly liberating North Africa. His body will lay in state in the U.S. Capitol Building for five days before he is given a U.S Navy burial at sea.

Condi Rice Quite Proud of One Giant Bang

BEIJING, CHINA – Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, here to discuss the escalating nuclear situation in Iran, expressed confidence today in her perfectly coifed hair’s ability to resolve the conflict.

The opportunity for Rice to compliment herself on her own hair arose after an AP reporter asked what possible real solutions there were to the Iran problem.

“Do you see this one giant bang?” said Rice, pointing to the carefully groomed mop of hair hanging off the left side of her face. “This is all the solution you need right here. My one giant bang has magical charming powers and can solve any world conflict in a matter of seconds.”

Chinese President Jiang Zemin stood in stunned silence as Rice elaborated further.

“Let me have one personal meeting with Iranian President Mahkmoud Ahmadinejihad,” said Rice. “As soon as he sees my one giant bang he will be absolutely overcome with passion, as all men are.”

“I will then use my seductive power over him to make him forsake Iran’s uranium enrichment program,” she added.

The assembled international press core eagerly pounced on these seemingly outlandish claims. One Reuters reporter wanted to know if Rice’s so-called ‘one giant bang’ had ever solved any diplomatic disputes in the past.

Rice was glad he asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes, my one giant bang has already played a crucial role in several international disputes,” explained Rice. “Remember when Palestine and Israel used to hate each other? And were locked in a vicious battle to-the-death? Well, I visited both sides and look how quickly my one giant bang fixed that situation.”

Still skeptical, one Newsweek correspondent asked Rice how many times her ‘one giant bang’ theory of diplomacy had failed her.

“Not once. My one giant bang hasn’t let me down yet,” said Rice. “Because even if this baby doesn’t charm a world leader into obeying, it still possesses strong whipping capabilities. And if there’s one thing plutocrats don’t respond well to, it’s pain.”

Pressed to comment on the subject, Chinese President Jiang Zemin admitted that he found Rice’s one giant bang to be “fascinatingly hypnotizing.”

“I will do whatever this women asks,” said a spell-bound Zemin. “I would disarm China’s nuclear weapons and surrender completely to the Americans, if this woman would only let me pet her one giant bang once or twice.”

Later on in the press conference, a correspondent from Cosmopolitan magazine queried Rice on her hair care regimen.

“My one giant bang has always been very special to me,” said Rice. “For a long time I had to heavily hair spray it to get it to look right. But now, after 16 years of trying, the hair on the left side of my head just naturally hangs in one giant bang formation at all times.”

Secretary of State Rice and her one giant bang will visit Japan, South Korea, and Taiwan before finishing out her Winter 2006 East Asian Diplomacy Tour. From there she will travel to the Mid-East, where it is sincerely hoped by all that her fearsomely desirable hair will quickly charm the pants (and nukes) off of Iran.